


Making Do

by keenquing



Category: Torchwood
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-06
Updated: 2011-10-06
Packaged: 2017-10-24 08:37:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/261316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keenquing/pseuds/keenquing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack muses over his lies to and continuing desire for Estelle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Making Do

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for Saying Yes fest.

Every time Estelle hugged him in greeting or he gave her a chaste farewell kiss, Jack thought about telling her the truth. She deserved the truth. Despite her misconstrued beliefs about the fairies, she was a smart woman and Jack hated deceiving her like this. It made him feel too much like the person he had been before; lying and cheating without worrying or even thinking about what it did to others.

Of course there were times when he tried to convince himself that Estelle was so smart that she must know, must be playing along just to humour him. So there would be no harm in it, surely, to tell her the truth. She'd just roll her eyes and tell him how foolish he was, teasing him like she used to, before kissing him.

It was difficult for Jack to imagine much more than that—not because he couldn't see himself with her now. To him, she was just as beautiful as the night they met. But this backward century made people feel that their desires turned to dust when they hit forty, and he wasn't sure how difficult it might be to convince Estelle she was still gorgeous and more than worthy of affection, and he'd never press her. He hoped that, just like her beliefs in other things, her belief that the human body in all its forms was a wondrous thing would not have changed.

Not that it mattered how far his imagination went, really, because that was the only place he'd be able to show his feelings for her in the way she deserved. Even if she heavily suspected who he really was, she couldn't _know_. There were too many risks involved, too many things she shouldn't know that might come out when her tongue loosened his. Telling her he hadn't wanted to leave her would lead to the fact that part of the reason he couldn't hope to settle with anyone was because he was Torchwood, and he might say too much about that. He'd have to Retcon her, then, and he didn't want to live with that. So far, he'd managed to avoid Retconning any lovers, and he didn't want Estelle to be the first. He loved her too much to take a night from her, leave her worried about why she couldn't remember anything after a certain time and doubting her faculties. And she was clever; seeing him again would definitely trip the memories, which meant he couldn't check in on her any more. That would be worse, only being able to periodically scan hospital admissions and the like to make sure she was alive and well.

So, even though ( _because_ ) he still wanted her that leaving her still hurt as much as it had over sixty years past, Jack always settled for kissing her forehead and holding her close for just a moment. It wasn't _enough_ , just like sleeping with her one time and never being able to see her again wouldn't be enough, like that passionate goodbye kiss and three small words back then hadn't been enough.

But, like then, it would have to do.


End file.
